Saying Goodbye to Grieving

What I have been learning in counselling is that there are 5 stages to grieving and on average documents indicate it usually takes on average 5 years to grieve a loss - to have a type of closure so that it (grieve) does not have a hold on your life.

On Feb 3 - it marked 17 years since my sister made the decision to end her own life. Definitely not something easy to get over. My counsellor has been telling me that I have made great progress in my healing of multiple traumas (griefs) - for me it is sometimes hard to see as I am in the thick of it as it were. So the last few sessions we have been trying using the quilt as our model - to tie things off - to bring closure. As I have written before - we tied off my social history has I accepted, forgave and changed my attitude of me and others too.

I have a shoebox of material things related to my sister - the NWT flag that she received when she ran up in Nanasvik, NWT with my parents; Christmas ornaments I have given her; autograph books from our summer days at Dorion Bible Camp (such great memories for both of us); and of course letters/cards I kept that Kathryn had written to me.

The letters actually were from 1993 - her last year with us, majority of which were months before she died. Funny, I have had these letters all these years - the words did not pop off the pages like it did this year - is it because I am in counselling and I am mentally ready to read between the lines in a way? The messages that I was a kind-hearted sister; I was precious to her and that Kathryn loved me very much. I was a good big sister to her. Her last Valentine's card she shared with me moments precious to her we shared.

When my counsellor told me to bring healing to me, this is one trauma I need to find closure - say goodbye to. The week leading into Feb 3 - I was on the verge of tears as I anticipate what I need to do. How do I say goodbye to Kathryn - such an important person in my life? The comments I received from friends from Facebook and going through my shoebox, I came to the realization that I don't need to say goodbye to "Kathryn" - but I need to say goodbye to "the loss, the hurt and the pain" that comes to Feb 3rd. I need to replace those feelings associated with Feb 3rd - the event that occurred on this day - instead take the time in that day to remember the gifts she gave me (the memories that we shared together as sisters).

The tears I shed should not be of the sadness, instead the tears should be the joy Kathryn left through the memories, moments only shared between sisters. Kathryn left those for me to hold onto - so I may cherish those times even more.

So I pray that on Feb 3, 2012 - my healing will have brought me to a place where I don't see "suicide" but set time asise to remember our times together and continue to find the joys and happiness in life, which I knows she wanted for me.

I love and miss you always my little Magoo.

Life is like a Patchwork Quilt

It still amazes me when you least expect it - how words in a book you have browsed through before, catches you in a different time. This happened when a read a coffee table book at my counsellor's office. After reading it, then sharing it with my counselling - we realized that it like a theme we can use in my healing - finding closure to my "traumas".

This poem was written by Elizabeth Ryan Decoursey:

Life is like a patchwork quilt
And each little path is a day,
Some patches are rosy, happy and bright,
And some are dark and gray.

But each little patch as it's fitted in
And sewn to keep it together
Makes a finished block in this life of ours
Filled with sun, and with rainy weather.

So let me work on Life's patchwork quilt
Through the rainy day and the sun --
Trusting that when i have finished my block
The Master may say "Well done."
----------------------
Though I wished I didn't have to go through all those different traumas/challenges - but if you stop and think about - I would not be the person I am today if I HADN'T gone through those different traumas/challenges. It will be interesting to see how my Life's patchwork quilt unfolds.

Grieving one's Social History?

The funny thing with counselling - you go into the session with a thought of what you are to deal with and next thing you know - you are covering something out of the blue. That is what happened to me last week.

The plan was to use the January sessions to help me prepare to "say goodbye" and find a closure with my sister's death. As we talked about different things - how I interacted as a child came to the surface. From the beginning of school days (kindergarten), I was teased by classmates for whatever reason. Around Grade 2/3 - I was "burned" and classmates who I thought were friends, did a 180 and suddenly they were not and they were cruel about it. Though others might remember something different - growing up I saw myself as an introvert and shy and liked to blend in the background - and hoped that I didn't have to speak anything out loud as I definitely didn't feel I had that confidence in public speaking. With the combination of "being burned" at an early age and being highly sensitive (emotional) - I learned quick to prevent some of the "hurt" - I built walls around myself. These walls allowed me only share/show what I feel comfortable doing.

Unfortunately, this feeling went on for years - into the highschool years. Thanks to society mentality - highschool life sees categorizes (i.e. the TV series Glee is a great recent example of this) - all one wants is to fit and be accepted for who they are. Another example is the movie that affected me greatly was the Grade 9 english book made into a movie - The Outsiders. I related so well to the "greasers" - the main character - Ponyboy in particular.

I was not atheletic (so didn't fit there); forget being a cheerleader too (so didn't fit there); didn't smoke (so didn't fit in the back-breeze way group); didn't feel intellectual for any those groups like "debate" (so didn't fit there). You would not find me in the cafeteria - too self-conscious (went to the cafeteria 5 time in the 5 years I was there - yearbook photos). Didn't have the $$ to go the local Northwood mall - so where does one "fit"? Well you found me in the library. That turned out to be my sanctuary for my highschool years.

So explaining this to the counselling she asked me - "Do we need to "grieve" what the so-call friends took from me?" We were both surprised by that question - can you grieve a social history? Interesting thought.

After thinking it over - my answer is No. I have in time forgiven in my mind that hurt. It wasn't until my 20's I was able to say to myself - you are a good person and the feeling of "liking me" began. Age 30/31 - I learned how to drive - now that is a confidence booster and the beginning sense of what freedoms await you. Age 34/35 - made the decision to leave Thunder Bay and make a fresh start in Calgary. Having a director that encouraged stepping outside that box contributed to a confidence that you are a contributing member of a team. Of course, buying a house - wow. Since then, participated in 2 reabstracting studies and now have taken a leadership role in my field. A leadership role where you need to be confidence in your knowledge and your self esteem/self-worth with good public speaking skills.

Yes, my social history life had a rough beginning - but look at me now - talk about a 180 I did myself. After I explained my answer, my counsellor had a smile on your face - "well we tied that one off - that issue is closed". She had to share the image she had while I was speaking - Remember that Rhino in the animated movie Robin Hood? When I speaking of what I have done in the 6 yrs since moving here - the passion and strength was like pushing my way through the crowd to say "Here I am!!" Pretty cool eh?

The other vital piece to this - today I have been blessed to have circled myself with friends - who love and care about me "what's on the inside". One friend recently shared with me - she never saw the "outside" - she just saw the "beauty that was inside". A true friend indeed.

What is holding me back?

Funny thing happens when you are waiting in line to pay for your groceries - you get to catch up on the all "magazine headings" - who broke up or you got married/engaged or a headline from a global event (i.e. the miners in Chile finally being brought up to the surface after 69 days!).

Well, the magazine I picked up wasn't that glamorous or anything - Nov's issue of Oprah's magazine had an article called "What's Your True Calling?" That would be an interesting read - I thought. Must admit didn't get much from that article - it were stories of how others found their true calling. What caught me by surprise was my result from the article "What's Holding you back?". It was 8 questions (a to e). Depending on the common letters you picked for your odd and even numbers gave you 1 of 4 categories. Fear of Failure; Fear of Success; Fear of Disappoint and Fear of Losing Control. Before I knew my category(s) - I knew one of mine should be Fear of Failure - which it was. My other category was Fear of Success - wasn't really expecting that answer to appear.

Fear of Failure: You are terrified of stepping outside your comfort zone (yes that is me). The advice they give to have "you move forward" - "The important thing you can do yourself is work on building self-efficacy - the belief that you can actually accomplish what you want to do. Start by setting and achieving small goals. As you succeed at these smaller challenges, bigger goals will semms less daunting, and eventually you will develop the confidence to take the leap you've been dreaming about". As I mentioned in my last blog entry - one of those work related dreams - to work with data quality, working with the codes I assign to charts. Accepting the position of Coding Coordinator, could be like my "leap" towards that goal of working in Data Quality. A shout out to my counsellor though - she has been helping me find that "self" again - my self esteem and self-confidence - my self-strength. Thank you Deanna.

Fear of Success: You're fairly confident in your abilities, but you balk at the pressure of maintaining success once you have it. You know that your achievements will breed higher expectations, and you worry that you won't be able to meet them. People who fear success often credit their achievements to circumstances rather than to their talent and other assets. The advice they give to have "you move forward" - "The key for these people is to accept responsibilities for their accomplishments. Think of a recent success - now make a list of the skills and qualities you drew on to win it - determination, intelligence, creativity (ask a friend as they see your assets more clearly than you can). Once you begin to see your strengths in action, every day, you will recognize that you are, in fact, well-equipped to tackle whatever challenges lie ahead." I didn't think this would be one of my fears but after reading I would agree especially when my low self-essteem and low self-confidence surfaces - I begin to doubt my skills and if I complete a set-goal what are the expectations of me when future projects are asked of me.

I think for me with beginning to have faith in my own capabilities/talents and with the assistance of my counsellor to help me recognize my fears - we will place the safeguards I need so I can face the challenges I must in my path. At the same time, still move forward and accept what I have learned from my challenge or fear.

By applying the self-awareness tool I learned in counselling - I look forward what 2011 will bring in my growth as a person; as well as in my healing of hurts and emotional wounds. What I know right now in this moment - I am blessed by those around me - their love, support and encouragement and by watching their example - I gain strength from that. Thank you.

Burning both ends of the candle...

You soon realize moving from a smaller city to a bigger city - not only does the # of people go up, but so is the cost of your expenses. As my lifestyle allowed for it, I decided to take a second job in my field in the adjoining cancer centre. I enjoyed the people I worked with and seeing a different avenue being a HIM (health information management) Professional. And I just got used to putting in an extra 15-20 hours per week on top of my 77.5 hrs from my coding position. It didn't seem like an additional stress on top of coding.

April 2010 - I took upon the challenge of taking a Coding Coordinator position. As we have merged all health regions into one - I had to resign my position at the cancer centre as I am already full time. This is a position that I had applied twice before - and I am fast realizing that the position I applied for in Spring 2008 and Fall 2009 are not what is being expected of us now - the responsibilities are being changed. Changed becaused in 2008-2009 we didn't have to deal with topics like a 21-day Coding Turnaround Time (TAT); Increased focus on Data Quality of submitted coded data; VLAD (Variable -Living Adjusting Device) reviews; Cross-training staff in both the urban and rural settings; being asked to be a representative for the Calgary Zone in Provincial working groups and that is on top of any daily "office issues" that needs to be dealt with.

The past few months, feeling stressed is an accurate word to use in my vocabulary - stress of adjusting to a new role and all the bumps I have encountered. Feeling the stress coming from the very top of different initatives that are occurring at a provincial level that relate to Data Collection. Sept/Oct found me training outside of Calgary (High River and Strathmore) to other HIMs in the Inpatient coding discipline - which takes much out of you - but I do enjoy it as I learn just as much as they do and it does ensure you are up to date in your coding knowledge as well. The other learning portion is on seeing the differences (and similarities) when comparing rural vs. urban coding. This will be beneficial for me as I am a HIM representative for the Calgary Zone in a Provinical working group on Data Collection - therefore I need to know about both rural and urban coding.

Unfortunately, in the recent month, the focus has been on a 21-day Coding turnaround time to ensure timely data to be used by various stakeholders - this has translated into long hours - there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do everything on your "To Do List" each day. This lead me to burning both ends of the candle which means I usually get a nasty head/chest cold - which I currently have. Here I have ONE job that has equalled in times the hours I used to put in when I had TWO jobs! Interesting eh?

What I know - I do enjoy the different challenges and opportunities this current position as Coding Coordinator has given me. I find I am becoming a more confident person and realizing that my thought when I graduated from college of where I ultimately would like to work in my field (Data Quality - working with the coded data) is becoming more of a reality. That is pretty cool to see that come to light - 18 years later.

I know it is only November - but something I will need to work on in 2011 - finding an "off" button and find that balance again so I do not burn both ends of the candlestick.

Do you have a Happy File?

For those who have been following my blog these past few months, you have read the struggles I have been facing at work as I am adjusting to my new position as Coding Coordinator. It definitely has been a growing experience. My biggest issue was dealing with my reactions with different managerial styles and feeling in the beginning alone as I didn't want to start off a new position as a complainer and "the weakest link" especially knowing I was going to have a learning curve as I had zero managerial-related skill practice - so it was pure instinct when dealing with a task.

I think one of my "saving graces" - I was going through counselling at this time (still am too). My counsellor was able to help me work through my "self issues" coming to the surface as I was coping with different managerial styles. I think at the height of it all I was questioning my self worth and what could I contribute to this position - basically feeling - I couldn't do anything right so why the heck did they hire me? The other one is finding a few people who "have my back" so I have this net that I feel safe to go to, to ask for advice.

A suggestion was given to me - make a "Happy File" folder that I could put emails with encouragement in - so when those doubts arise I will be able to go those emails and realize - "Yes Laura you do have the qualification and just being yourself - you are contributing in your position". Do you know that it works?

This past week - has been a good week for me too - as our team prepares for a presentation to a group of doctors - we created a powerpoint as well as a "cheat note" of clinical documentation tips. The response from the head of the group - awesome on both things and looking forward to our presentation to the group. That felt so good - told Chris next time we see each other we should give each other a pat on the back for a job well-done. Was told my part of our regional staff meeting - I spoke strong and explained the coding issue well (yeah improvement!!).

Counselling this week we had a first - laughter. I ended my work day with receiving an email from a coding specialist - who told me this was to go into my "Happy File" - after reading I swear I wanted to cry. So touching. At the same time - a sense of freedom began to come over me - like the light switch being turned on. Why is it so hard for ourself's to see the good in us - when it seems plain and clear for those around us? My words to myself - Laura will you get your head out of the sand and realize you are qualified and you ARE doing well - contributing to the team. Now move forward and remember that self-confidence you just found. We had a realization in sharing in counselling - I have not lost a "core" of who I am, which is my sense of humour/laughter throughout all my traumas and challenges. Yes, the laughter hide my pain and hurt but it helped me move forward and function in life too. I know if I "lost" my laughter I would be in huge trouble and I would need to seek help for sure as I would be in a dark place.

I hope everyone can find their "Happy File" or have a "Happy Cap" (for verbal positive comments).

Laura with her James sisters

Amanda and Bob

Amanda and Sara

Amy

The Reception

The Head Table

The MC had the wedding party to play game to choose the best answer - Bride or Groom. Don't know what the question was - the final answer by everyone was - THE GROOM!! The MC then turned the tables and had Bob and Amanda sit back to back and the MC asked them choose the best answer - Bride or Groom. Plenty of laughter with everyone's responses.

The beautiful couple - Bob and Amanda getting ready to cut the cake.

Random Shots after the ceremony

Bridesmaid Sara with her husband John

Brad with his Uncle Peter (left) and Great Uncle Mark (right)

4 Generations!! - Morfar, daughter Char is holding her granddaughter Casendra. (Missing: Sara - Char's daughter and Casendra's mom)

Amanda with her daughter Ocean and her sister (matron of honour) Amy

Brothers Jon and Brad posing and warming up for their duet!! Amanda looked beautiful walking down the aisle with a son on each arm and then they gave their mom a hug. A precious moment.

Amanda's family waiting for the photographer to call them up - (Front to Back) - Char, Morfar, Casendra, Andy, Garron, Sara and Solomon.

Ocean with her Aunt Sara waiting in-between all the picture taking.

Sara with the girls - nieces Journey and Ocean while her daughter Casendra is hold her bouquet of flowers.

Amanda and Bob having a quiet moment. Sargent did wonderful - looking great beside Amanda. Solomen the ring bearer. His mom Amy took him to the store to pick out a Webkin to hold the rings. Despite having choices like a deer, moose, horse and chicken - Solomon's choice was this bright pink frog with hearts all over it. As Amy tells the story - Solomon made the perfect choice - Amanda likes frogs and she enjoys the children story - The Frog Prince. Today we celebrated Amanda marrying her Prince. Great choice Solomon!!!

Amanda and Bob with Sargent

Amanda and her family

(Back row: L to R) - Amy, Sara, Andy, Brad (he is behind Andy), Bob, Char, Jon J, Peter (he is behind Jon J) and Jon K
(Front row: L to R) Ocean, Amanda and Hazel (Bob's Mom)

Ocean, Char, Andy, Amanda, Bob, Morfar (Char's dad), Jon K and Brad

Amanda with her parents - Andy and Char

Amanda with her children (Jon, Brad and Ocean). Brad is catching 40 winks in-between the picture-taking.

A beautiful ceremony

Amanda's mom found a "Bride and Groom on a John Deere tractor" topper - how perfect!!

Introducing Bob and Amanda Sargent with the bridesmaids - sisters Amy and Sara and Amanda's daughter, Ocean. I love the brown and yellow contrasts. Everyone looked so beautiful in their dresses.

Here comes the Wedding Party - John Deere Style!!

Keeping with the theme of "John Deere" - Amanda and Bob arrive for family photos in a John Deere Truck. Thanks to Bob's Best man - they arrived safe and sound. Amy (matron of honour) is along for the ride too.

Sara and the another groomsman with Ethan and Sierra in the back.

Ocean (Amanda's daughter) arrives with Don (groomsman)

The Newlyweds - Bob and Amanda!!!

Getting ready for their John Deere Ride

While the photos were being taken - the kids enjoyed sitting on the John Deere ride. In the back are Journey and Casendra, while in the driver's seat its Ethan and his big sister Sierra is in the passenger seat. A couple of weeks ago, Sierra fell and broke her arm - she is such a trooper. Her family and friends decorated her cast with colourful signatures and sayings.

I heard a little voice, "Auntie Laura look how I make the wall sparkle with my shoes". Journey along with her cousin Sierra greeted everyone into the wonderfully decorated hall with a tube for blowing bubbles after the ceremony. Here is Ethan checking out how Journey's jewels on her shoes sparkle. Ethan and Journey did a great job pulling the white carpet down the aisle for their Aunt Amanda.

Journey wanted me to take a picture of her and her cousin Casendra. Casendra was the flower girl and she also brought Sargent (Bob's lassie dog) down the aisle too. Great pose Journey!! You both look beautiful in your dresses.

Casendra in her pretty pink dress

Food for Thought courtesy of Facebook

In the beginning, I was apprehensive in joining "Facebook" Social Network, but finally decided to join as that seems to be a great way to stay in touch with family and friends who don't tend to email you often. This past Spring, it was cool reconnecting with a dozen or so from my Grade 6 classmates from Sherbrooke School as well reconnecting with some former swimming teammates and coaches from my Thunder Bay Thunderbolts days.

This evening as I was viewing the "Status updates" from my FB friends page - there was a comment posted by a Rev. Mark Brown from Australia that made me sit back and reflect on the comment. His comment:

"Brokeness means we are ready for change. Lord, come take my pieces and make me what want."

I found it an interesting comment to read as I head back into my counselling sessions tomorrow to continue with my healing, strengthen and growing as I overcome my past troubles and challenges. It reminded me of Step 1 in Celebrate Recovery process - You are not in control - God is - give it up to Him.

I was sharing the other night with another friend - it has been quite a year already (almost 9 months since things "hit the fan") but there has been some amazing moments with my friend's children and her family that just makes you realize the preciousness of those around us. Now becoming more comfortable in my new temporary position as Coding Coordinator - I also feeling more confident in my own skill-set and what I can contribute as well what new doors and opportunities will open by expanding my comfort zone.

I know there are and will be things in my road to recovery that I cannot control and may never have a full resolve/closure - but through my counsellor I hope to put in place safeguards that when that issue comes up again, it does not affect me the same way as it did say last Fall. It is realistic to say, counselling may be needed for another year, which I am fine with, but to show myself that I am recovering/healing, remember to look back reflectively and see the "baby steps" I have made to move forward. The amazing thing - many "baby steps" can become a few "big steps" - now isn't that encouraging?

Thank you to my family and friends who are sharing this experience with me, providing a shoulder (or kleenex) and words of encouragement - but they are celebrating my joys and "break-throughs" - both means so much to me.