Saying Goodbye to Grieving

What I have been learning in counselling is that there are 5 stages to grieving and on average documents indicate it usually takes on average 5 years to grieve a loss - to have a type of closure so that it (grieve) does not have a hold on your life.

On Feb 3 - it marked 17 years since my sister made the decision to end her own life. Definitely not something easy to get over. My counsellor has been telling me that I have made great progress in my healing of multiple traumas (griefs) - for me it is sometimes hard to see as I am in the thick of it as it were. So the last few sessions we have been trying using the quilt as our model - to tie things off - to bring closure. As I have written before - we tied off my social history has I accepted, forgave and changed my attitude of me and others too.

I have a shoebox of material things related to my sister - the NWT flag that she received when she ran up in Nanasvik, NWT with my parents; Christmas ornaments I have given her; autograph books from our summer days at Dorion Bible Camp (such great memories for both of us); and of course letters/cards I kept that Kathryn had written to me.

The letters actually were from 1993 - her last year with us, majority of which were months before she died. Funny, I have had these letters all these years - the words did not pop off the pages like it did this year - is it because I am in counselling and I am mentally ready to read between the lines in a way? The messages that I was a kind-hearted sister; I was precious to her and that Kathryn loved me very much. I was a good big sister to her. Her last Valentine's card she shared with me moments precious to her we shared.

When my counsellor told me to bring healing to me, this is one trauma I need to find closure - say goodbye to. The week leading into Feb 3 - I was on the verge of tears as I anticipate what I need to do. How do I say goodbye to Kathryn - such an important person in my life? The comments I received from friends from Facebook and going through my shoebox, I came to the realization that I don't need to say goodbye to "Kathryn" - but I need to say goodbye to "the loss, the hurt and the pain" that comes to Feb 3rd. I need to replace those feelings associated with Feb 3rd - the event that occurred on this day - instead take the time in that day to remember the gifts she gave me (the memories that we shared together as sisters).

The tears I shed should not be of the sadness, instead the tears should be the joy Kathryn left through the memories, moments only shared between sisters. Kathryn left those for me to hold onto - so I may cherish those times even more.

So I pray that on Feb 3, 2012 - my healing will have brought me to a place where I don't see "suicide" but set time asise to remember our times together and continue to find the joys and happiness in life, which I knows she wanted for me.

I love and miss you always my little Magoo.