Life is like a Patchwork Quilt

It still amazes me when you least expect it - how words in a book you have browsed through before, catches you in a different time. This happened when a read a coffee table book at my counsellor's office. After reading it, then sharing it with my counselling - we realized that it like a theme we can use in my healing - finding closure to my "traumas".

This poem was written by Elizabeth Ryan Decoursey:

Life is like a patchwork quilt
And each little path is a day,
Some patches are rosy, happy and bright,
And some are dark and gray.

But each little patch as it's fitted in
And sewn to keep it together
Makes a finished block in this life of ours
Filled with sun, and with rainy weather.

So let me work on Life's patchwork quilt
Through the rainy day and the sun --
Trusting that when i have finished my block
The Master may say "Well done."
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Though I wished I didn't have to go through all those different traumas/challenges - but if you stop and think about - I would not be the person I am today if I HADN'T gone through those different traumas/challenges. It will be interesting to see how my Life's patchwork quilt unfolds.

Grieving one's Social History?

The funny thing with counselling - you go into the session with a thought of what you are to deal with and next thing you know - you are covering something out of the blue. That is what happened to me last week.

The plan was to use the January sessions to help me prepare to "say goodbye" and find a closure with my sister's death. As we talked about different things - how I interacted as a child came to the surface. From the beginning of school days (kindergarten), I was teased by classmates for whatever reason. Around Grade 2/3 - I was "burned" and classmates who I thought were friends, did a 180 and suddenly they were not and they were cruel about it. Though others might remember something different - growing up I saw myself as an introvert and shy and liked to blend in the background - and hoped that I didn't have to speak anything out loud as I definitely didn't feel I had that confidence in public speaking. With the combination of "being burned" at an early age and being highly sensitive (emotional) - I learned quick to prevent some of the "hurt" - I built walls around myself. These walls allowed me only share/show what I feel comfortable doing.

Unfortunately, this feeling went on for years - into the highschool years. Thanks to society mentality - highschool life sees categorizes (i.e. the TV series Glee is a great recent example of this) - all one wants is to fit and be accepted for who they are. Another example is the movie that affected me greatly was the Grade 9 english book made into a movie - The Outsiders. I related so well to the "greasers" - the main character - Ponyboy in particular.

I was not atheletic (so didn't fit there); forget being a cheerleader too (so didn't fit there); didn't smoke (so didn't fit in the back-breeze way group); didn't feel intellectual for any those groups like "debate" (so didn't fit there). You would not find me in the cafeteria - too self-conscious (went to the cafeteria 5 time in the 5 years I was there - yearbook photos). Didn't have the $$ to go the local Northwood mall - so where does one "fit"? Well you found me in the library. That turned out to be my sanctuary for my highschool years.

So explaining this to the counselling she asked me - "Do we need to "grieve" what the so-call friends took from me?" We were both surprised by that question - can you grieve a social history? Interesting thought.

After thinking it over - my answer is No. I have in time forgiven in my mind that hurt. It wasn't until my 20's I was able to say to myself - you are a good person and the feeling of "liking me" began. Age 30/31 - I learned how to drive - now that is a confidence booster and the beginning sense of what freedoms await you. Age 34/35 - made the decision to leave Thunder Bay and make a fresh start in Calgary. Having a director that encouraged stepping outside that box contributed to a confidence that you are a contributing member of a team. Of course, buying a house - wow. Since then, participated in 2 reabstracting studies and now have taken a leadership role in my field. A leadership role where you need to be confidence in your knowledge and your self esteem/self-worth with good public speaking skills.

Yes, my social history life had a rough beginning - but look at me now - talk about a 180 I did myself. After I explained my answer, my counsellor had a smile on your face - "well we tied that one off - that issue is closed". She had to share the image she had while I was speaking - Remember that Rhino in the animated movie Robin Hood? When I speaking of what I have done in the 6 yrs since moving here - the passion and strength was like pushing my way through the crowd to say "Here I am!!" Pretty cool eh?

The other vital piece to this - today I have been blessed to have circled myself with friends - who love and care about me "what's on the inside". One friend recently shared with me - she never saw the "outside" - she just saw the "beauty that was inside". A true friend indeed.