The Rollercoaster of Self...

It has been awhile since I blogged anything - to be honest - had increased my hours at Tom Baker the past couple of months and was not motivated (don't think my camera has been touched for months either). From this blog and the last one - I have been consistent with my continuing counselling for healing and learning about my "self".

During the first few sessions - I was sharing what lead to my need of a third party and as we delved more we realized I had to open "a whole kettle of fish" first before true healing could occur. I was able to "categorize" them into 3 groups - Traumas, Relationships and Self. As you can see - vague titles so each holds so many things to them. Some need baby steps - recognizing what are traumas I had gone through and seeing the role I play in my family (no surprise the emotional one). One of the huge steps I had to begin to learn is my own self-awareness (my action and reaction to things directed towards me).

For those who know me now might have a hard time seeing it - but all through my elementary and secondary schooling I was an introvert, a loner basically. School was not always fun for me as being the "big gal" in the class lead to continuous teasing or rude comments by classmates. Grade 5 being called "green tomatoe" for the simply reason I was wearing a green snowsuit. (from what I hear on TV nowadays - teasing/bullying is way worst as I never contemplated taking my own life because of it). As I have mentioned previously, one thing that became clear early in my counselling - I internalize and therefore make assumptions on things - like the competition between siblings. For those who knew my sister she excelled in so many talents and my older brother has a beautiful gift of artistry (So grateful my mom saved his early artwork as I now have them hanging in my hallway upstairs). Well me - I had no materialistic talent/skill to display. Unfortunately that lead me to have low self confidence, esteem and self-worth - basically I did not like me.

It wasn't until I moved to Toronto for college that begun to change - here were a group of peers who seem to like me just as I was. So you begin to think - hey I should rethink this - maybe I am likably. I did make strides, moved to Victoria for work and became a youth leader at a local church. And then the world came crashing down around me - Kathryn died. I moved back to Thunder Bay to grieve and regroup - 12 years it took me to find that inner confidence that I was ready to expand my "comfort zone" and realize that under the current working conditions I was under I would be stuck and unhappy. It was August 2004 these two items collided on the same day - the realization hit me like a ton of bricks and seeing 3 Full time Permanent positions at Calgary Regional Hospital. I had a planned visit Calgary 3 weeks - the day before I had to head back to TB - I wrote my coding test at 7am!! The test was an inpatient, an ER and Daysurgery chart - I got 78% and the encouragement from Cheryl H that if I truly wanted to come to Calgary be patient through the domino effect of current staff applying for the same positions. So 6 months and 12 job applications later - I was given my chance - I arrived in Calgary March 10, 2005 with an open mind and excitment of what the hospital could offer me that I couldn't find in Thunder Bay.

Wow - unbelievable is basically what has happened these past 5 years. I started at Foothills (trauma and burn, cardiac, and high risk pregnancies) and then allowed to code at other sites and learn their specialty services. Within months of starting, I went from coding one discipline (ER) to all 4 (inpatient, maternity, daysurgey and ER)!!! I was so excited about learning inpatient and maternity - the final hurdle for me. I attended workshops to better my skill set - being a sponge soaking in all what my field could offer me. For the past 3 years, I have been a trainer in daysurgery and inpatient coding and I have been able to participate with our national database for 2 reabstracting studies taking me across Canada. And today - I started my new position as a Coding Coordinator!!!

If I had to give a visual description or in a nutshell what the past 5 years professionally-speaking has been for me - I was in a cocoon for too long and now I am a butterfly - spreading my wings feeling that excitement of what a coding specialist can do. When I did the 2 hour and 10 minute interview in March - I had to do a powerpoint presentation which I felt I did well and my responses were pretty unmuch without hestiation. Riding a bit of a high but reality hit the following day with a constructive critisim about the lengthy wording of my emails. Old insecurities hit hard - felt totally deflated. (Happy that I had a session that day - as by the end I was feeling better and accepting that the remark was exactly what I mentioned in the interview - if I needed to improve on something I am willing to learn more about it so it can improve.)

This is the strongest feeling of self-confidence that I have had in some time - you know its that smile that comes more naturally. You know that saying when things get rough - you find or you see who your friends are. That still holds true for me - but recently I have seen it in my support and encouragement of my peers, their confidence that they picked the right gal for the job just wants me to do that much better in this position.

Being reflective - remembering being that little girl basically being the last one chosen for teams, the teasing, spending many lunch times in the library - I have come a long way baby!! I could not have done it with my family, my true friends and me finally believing in herself that she can make myself unstuck and see what life has to offer me. Let the Rollercoast of Self continue....